They judge you by your picture and they judge you by your words. But: they mainly judge you by your picture. Get the picture right and the words wrong, and you still might get dates.
Right words, wrong picture: fuggedaboutit. You might as well start searching Amazon for "wimple."
Do these 5 things right with your dating profile picture and you're way ahead of the pack:
1. No Duck Face, Even Ironically
Archaeologists aren't quite sure yet, but they believe the duck face originated sometime back in the last century on MySpace. Women desirous of a certain model look would suck in their cheeks and poof out their lips. This Internet meme has so infiltrated the rest of the world that your Grandmother even knows what "duck face" is.
Thus, the ironic duck face pose, which is supposed to communicate: "Hey, look at me. I'm smarter than all this."
Duck face, ironic or not, is dead and gone. It's not funny and never was sexy.
2. Absolutely ZERO Pictures With Your Better-Looking Girlfriend
This one astounds me. While we know that you are the most beautiful woman in the world (ahem), there might just exist the possibility that there are better-looking women out there? And they might just be your girlfriends or relatives, and you might just post a picture on your dating profile of the two of you together?
And it might be the two of you together, arm in arm, on the beach or at a club.
And just possibly she might be really hot (of course you're hot, but we're talking smokin' hot)?
And when the guys look at your dating profile their eyes gravitate first to your friend, secondly to you, then back to your friend?
Bad, bad, bad.
Make sure any girls around you are of equal or lesser looks. Don't feign ignorance. You know exactly what I mean.
3. No Portrait Studio or Professional Photos
These types of photos reek of pucker-buttness. Or laziness.
The pucker-butts try to do everything neat and tidy and perfect. Nobody likes that. Guys can foresee a lifetime of being told to clean every last drop of pee on the toilet rim with Lysol wipes--on an hourly basis.
It also says to the guy: "I had to take these photos for my LinkedIn profile for work."
The only exception would be if you have a friend who is an amazing, edgy, mind-bending pro photographer. And I'll tell you already: you don't have such a friend.
4. You Cannot Do Everything, So Don't Even Try
So many women--and I'm sure men, too--post a series of photos designed to "show the full spectrum of interests," from touring exotic cities to helping underprivileged children to conducting a business PowerPoint to surfing the North Shore to, to, to...
Oh, it's just so wearying. We just wanted a coffee date with you, and if things go well, maybe we could step it up to dinner.
While men do like women with interests, this kind of photo-set feels too much like it's reaching. It feels very "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar," which is what our mothers did behind those 1977-era bug-eye sunglasses and ruffled blouses.
Pick an interest or two and highlight them. Drop the other photos.
5. Show the Full Body
Pay the piper or pay the piper later. It's your choice, girls.
No, I'm not advocating bare skin, thong-up-the-butt photos. Not even close.
But a wise man (probably me) once said: "Online dating is not dating, it's filtering." So, help the guys filter already.
Showing pictures only of your face will bring you much disappointment when he never calls you after that first date. Because you haven't adequately displayed the merchandise from the get-go.
Conversely, if you're a woman with a smashing body, but you only show your face, he will assume that you have something to hide. Because you're hiding it, right?
So show one photo of the complete package.