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Dating Profile Critique/Re-Write: Male from Plentyoffish

Several years ago, prior to discovering some better online dating sites (and meeting Lee) the first free dating site I registered on was PlentyofFish (POF). I realized pretty quickly that it had more cons (in every way possible) than pros and jumped ship. One of the men on POF was also registered on the same dating site that I migrated to. There were some compelling he-man type of photos but some strange prose that quickly made me click on by. Today, when doing some profile re-writing work for a POF client, I again came across Zboy2's (name changed) profile, a 46 y.o. male.

The notable thing was that nothing had changed. The same pics, maybe one more added.

After re-reading his profile, I can see why he's still there.

Here is the body of his profile:

About Me

In ______, when I stare out into the mist and drizzle, I sometimes feel that there’s something more to life than what the TV and the mall and work and even my family represent: that there’s something grander and stranger, more alive, more free and more real than what any ordinary situation has to offer. It seems to be calling me and I can’t wait to answer.I want to lie my head on the bosom of a woman and have her tell me that everything is going to be okay. I want to look up into her eyes and believe that I can become what she already believes me to be. I want to hear the story of her life and see where she lives and meet her friends. I want to close my eyes and fall backwards into her world, to lose myself in her warm embrace, to find meaning in her smile and the sound of her voice. I want her happiness to be my own. I want to open doors, pay compliments, buy flowers, celebrate the first kiss and dream of those to come. I want to be a good man, to protect and comfort, to be strong when strength is needed and gentle when it is not. I want to hide nothing, to share everything, to promise the world, and mean it all. I want to make her laugh. I want to fall in love -- crazy, lost-in-a-kiss, irrational love --one last time. I want to defy my fear and offer my heart to the love of my life.But first of course I want to meet her. ;^)
I'm part hipster, part metrosexual, part yuppie. High I.Q. low body fat, and I will make you laugh. Dress well, cook well, dance well and smell good, and I'm humble! Extremely culturally literate and a bit of a deep thinker. I may be middle-aged but I have the body of 21 yr. old.....in the trunk of my car. Thank you and good night. Witty, poignant conversations are my specialty. I've never learned much by talking so I like to listen. Looking for someone to connect with physically and intellectually. Someone who shares my passion for fitness, fashion, art, music, wine, food, laughter, animals, poking fun at George W., and naps. Gold stars if you know Mark Rothko, Tom Robbins, Jed Steele, Kevin Garnett, Massive Attack, Kenneth Cole or have won a Nobel prize. Looking for companionship first, we'll pick out china patterns later

Oy,where does a dating guru start?

  •  The structure of the narrative is one huge paragraph followed by another. It's visually difficult for the reader and makes me want to click on by.
  • The opening sentence-- What IS he talking about? Is he just trying to sound poetic? What does staring out in the mist and drizzle have to do with pondering that "there is something more to life than.. malls, tv, work and family represent".  The rest of the paragraph goes on with more of the same.  Frankly, it sounds like he read a bad novel and plunked some lines down on his POF dating profile.
  • Why Label Yourself? Homeboy announces that he is part Hipster, Metrosexual, and Yuppie. (Maybe its me... is this a good thing?) Sounds like a giant poser, actually. By labeling himself, he immediately plunks pre-conceived notions in his reader's heads. I don't know about you, but I'd like to meet someone and make up my own mind.
  • Show it, don't say it. "Witty, poignant conversations are my specialty",  Zboy2 says. If you were so witty and poignant, you wouldn't have to say you were witty and poignant. You'd be writing a witty and poignant paragraph.
  • Modesty, please. Even though our guy makes a joke about being humble, he can't resist telling us how smart, hot and culturally in-tune  he is, among other things.
  • Mixed messages: Zboy2 writes that he wants to "share everything, to promise the world, and mean it all.". But then in his last sentence, he contradicts this by saying that he is looking for companionship first, and worry about picking out wedding china later. So, does he want a long term relationship, or doesn't he? Methinks someone is confused.
  • A few words about photos:

None of his 6 pictures have been updated in 2 years, since Sharon first saw this profile, which indicates that our guy has aged, but is not updating to current photos. Rule of thumb: Profile pics must be updated at least yearly, preferably every six months at minimum.

Keeping the same pics up there does nothing to attract attention from readers who check back on the site from time to time. Give a fresh face, new pics of current activities. If nothing ever changes on your profile, it becomes stale.

Ok, not to be entirely critical, Zboy2 does have some things to say buried in there. He does say that he is looking for a woman to commit to, love and cherish. It's just so entirely lost in the gobbledy-gook that you just can't take him seriously. He looks like a player, sounds like a player, and most women's BS detector would be a' clanging away!

Dating Guru's Profile Re-Write:

About Me

I want to fall in love -- crazy, lost-in-a-kiss, irrational love --one last time. I'm looking for a partner-in-crime that I can be real with. I want to get to know my girl inside and out, and be a source of comfort to each other.

Some things that are important:

Your ability to keep a positive attitude when things get rough, as well as a sharp sense of wit and ability to banter. I want to make each other laugh.

I believe in chivalry. As much as I appreciate a woman's strength, I want to feel free to open doors, send you flowers, slow dance with you and protect you.

I'm committed to fitness, and want to enjoy this lifestyle with you. I may be middle-aged, but I have the body of 21 yr. old.....in the trunk of my car. (Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and have a good night!)

Hopefully you will allow me to share some of my passions for art (Mark Rothko is a favorite), music (Massive Attack currently getting top play on my iPod ), wine, basketball (Kevin Garnett!), food (healthy with a dose of decadent), laughter, animals (I have two of the coolest labs ever), poking fun at George W. and naps.  I'd love to share in your passions as well.

While picking out china patterns sounds good eventually, let's enjoy this courtship first!

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Example of a Decent Dating Profile for a 44 Year-Old Woman