“Our Time” Member Interview : Online Dating for 50+

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One of our readers, Peg, was kind enough to take the time to reach out to offer her direct experience as a paying member of OurTime, the dating site which focuses on men and women over the age of 50. Peg suggested that we may might want to take another look at Our Time, since her experience has been generally positive (ours was not).

After some updating of our initial review, we asked Peg, almost 60, and living in Colorado, if she would share her experience with online dating with us, and she graciously agreed.

TDG: Could you tell us a little about yourself?

PEG: I am a 59 year old widow with a daughter (grown) living in the <name omitted> region of Colorado. I still work full time; I changed careers about 11 years ago and went into the environmental sciences.  I currently work for a large engineering firm as an ecologist.  I also spent 25 years in electrical engineering, with the later portion designing user interfaces.

My job can be very physical and even dangerous, so I need to be what they consider “fit for duty”.  I am physically active and enjoy many outdoor activities, but I’m not obsessed with fitness.  I am also active in the fine arts and pursue other interests as well.

TDG:  What were your circumstances that led you to online dating?

PEG: Necessity. My husband was killed by a reckless driver about a year and a half after we relocated here for his job.  We lived in the mountains and I had no family and very few friends.  I travel a great deal and am rather socially skittish; however, I made an effort to locate and participate in local single senior events, but most of the membership were women over 70.

I spent a long time believing that Providence would smile on me and that the perfect someone would find me (I am still hoping).

Surprisingly, many of the the younger singles I’ve gotten to know have trouble meeting someone out here, and they have many more options.  For someone in my age bracket and lack of knowledge of the community, the potential is quite limited.   Online dating sites were the only viable alternative.

TDG: What kind of guy are you looking for?

PEG: I want to be with someone that I respect and can be proud of.  Professional with the same or higher education and income.  I am financially stable and expect the same.  Intelligence coupled with humor is a big yes. (I had a very good friend with a genius IQ and two failed marriages that told me ‘never marry someone dumber than you are’. I figured she knew what she was talking about.)  He has to like to read.  My guy is not necessarily classically handsome, but attractive, in good shape, healthy, and clean cut.  Not a smoker or a pot smoker (yeah, that’s a thing out here).  I appreciate modesty and openmindedness in a man. Due to my limited social availability and the overpopulated area where I live,  he has to be within 45 minutes of me.

TDG: What dating sites have you tried? What were your experiences like on those sites? Favorites?

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 PEG: The first site I joined was American Singles (I think it’s called Spark now), which advertised at the time as a site for singles over 40.  This site was recommended to me by someone who met their spouse on it.  I determined that most of the men I was interested in on that site were only interested in much younger women.  Interestingly, I checked out the women members and saw that most of them had professional and/or glamor photos done.  I had a rather disconcerting experience on a chat and dropped the site after only 4 months.  I swore off online dating after that and did not join another site for 3 years.

The second site I tried was IntelligentDating.net.  It is advertised as a senior site, but I don’t think they restrict membership.  This was a free site and I liked the questions they asked for your profile the best of any site I’ve used.  Unfortunately, there were very few members in my area that I had anything in common with (one, exactly), and I didn’t date anyone on this site in the year I belonged.  It’s too bad – the site has a great deal of potential.

I am currently a member of Our Time.  This has been the most interesting online dating site I’ve joined so far.  The lower age limit is 50 and they restrict membership to that.  There’s enough members to make it interesting and they come from a variety of backgrounds.  I get the overall impression of honesty, politeness, and quality of the members.  The profile questions allow enough information to be presented, but aren’t inane.  I also like that captions can be added to your photos.  I have been a member for less then a month and haven’t met anyone in person yet, but I have a lunch date scheduled.

I have heard complaints about including photos of kids, grandkids, dogs, vacations, etc.  I say nonsense.  Most older people are not on social media and this site may be the only social media they engage in. Those relational photos make someone real for me.  They tell me that the person has a life and people who love them.

 TDG: Were you initially hesitant or fearful to try online dating?

 PEG: No, it was only after I had a bad experience that I became hesitant to continue. I am careful online and overall, I have had good luck.

 TDG: What roadblocks, if any have you run into?

PEG: This is an interesting question. I mentioned a few above, but the biggest are my own limitations and boundaries. I don’t rush into things, and online dating is not conducive to slowly getting to know someone.

  • There are probably more men for whom I could find a connection with if I got to know them in person, but like many other people, I scan photos first and if I see potential in whatever initial information is present, I will open their profile. Unfortunately, selfies using cell phone or tablet cameras don’t show people my age to any advantage, whatsoever. Some of those photos are just horrid! I’m sure they really don’t look like that, but I have nothing else to go by.
  • I am really independent and always have been. Surprisingly, a lot of the men here are politically and socially conservative.  I get that, but it eliminates what might otherwise be suitable matches.

TDG:  What are your age parameters?

PEG: 57 to 62.

TDG: How did you find TheDatingGurus?

PEG: I was on Yelp and learned about Our Time and some local over 50 groups on one of the forums.  When I Googled “Our Time reviews”, your site came up.  You have lots of great information and groovy retro pictures.

TDG: Thank you Peg, for your feedback and your time!

Dating Gurus: In Honor Of Jewish Moms Everywhere: TheJMom.com

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Update: As of May 1, 2015 Jmom.com shut down. 

Nu? You want I should do EVERYTHING for you?

Although JDate certainly has a lion’s share of the Jewish online dating market, there are several other good options for Jewish daters looking for their besherts.

Pssst… your mom wants you to check out TheJMom.com!

TheJMom.com, created in 2010, and headquartered in Chicago, IL, has a twofold mission statement: primarily to strengthen Jewish relationships between single adults, and secondarily to support the future of Jewish identity and affiliations. Founders and sibs Brad and Danielle Weisberg explained that while they were visiting their hometown a few years ago in Lexington, KY, mother Barbara convinced Brad to allow her to peek at his Jdate profile. When they returned a couple of hours later, they found Barbara still glued to the computer, combing through hundreds of profiles for eligible shayna madelas.  After looking at some of the excellent profile choices she had pulled as possibilities, the sibs had an a-ha moment where they imagined “combining the matchmaking prowess of the Jewish mother with the connecting power of the internet to help young members of the chosen people fall in love with one another.” Although Brad is no longer involved with the operation of TheJMom.com, the matchmaking company is still going strong.

Interest piqued, we began combing through the articles and press releases out there in media land.

TheJMom.com bills itself as an online community with 5,000 registered members that offers “Jewish matchmaking, mom’s way.”

Goal-oriented mothers share online profiles of their children. Current CEO Kevin Leland describes the style of the profiles as  written in a way that makes the other moms want to be their in-laws nd spend holidays together.  So, unlike some dating sites, sexy is not the selling point here. “We don’t want to be too risqué,” he said. “This is a very wholesome site.”

Free Registration - JDate.com

Meddling Mom?

Barbara Weisberg, 64, the mother who inspired the site’s development, recognized that her own children were missing out. “They maybe were looking superficially for attraction and they were not looking deep enough to see everything that encompasses a person,” said Mrs. Weisberg, who has been married for nearly 40 years. Feeling motivated one night, she reviewed the online matches of her son Brad — with his permission — and within hours, she had made a list of candidates who she felt would be a good match with her boy.   The results yielded by these mom-engineered picks were so good that Brad, 32, and his sister, Danielle , 29, both based in Chicago, began the TheJMom.com site in 2010.

How It Works

Posting a profile and browsing on TheJMom.com is free, and a six-month subscription package, which provides contacts and connections, starts at $78. A one month subscription is $18.99 with a few choices in between. The $199 Premium Service, the Personal Profile Concierge, provides mothers with a makeover of their own profile and their child’s online profile and one-on-one attention from someone at the company.

The site recommends that parents be upfront with their children and inform them of the online searches being conducted on their behalf. There is, naturally, the occasional backlash. “Every once in a while, we’ll have a kid who maybe wasn’t given the full information that they were put up on the Web site,”  Leland commented.

When composing her son’s profile, Mrs. Weisberg used the dating taglineWhy Is Brad a Great Catch”: “Bradley is energetic, motivated, enthusiastic and, if I do say so myself, an attractive young man. He is 5-foot-10 with brown hair and blue eyes. Brad is hardworking and very outgoing. These two characteristics serve him well as he is a Realtor, the co-founder of this Web site, and C.E.O. of BodyShopBids.com, at a venture capitalist firm.”

Although Brad Weisberg is no longer involved in the operation of TheJMom.com, he is indeed in a long-term relationship with a woman his mother found for him on the site. Mom Weisberg was quick to point out that this matchmaking should be done respectfully, with the child’s permission, and not in a pushy way.

We Just Play One On TV

One of us really is a Jewish mother, so it wasn’t too hard to play one on TheJMom.com. We logged on, created a profile with a pic of our self, a picture of our “son”, a nice Jewish, and handsome boy…gave a brief description, and started to browse. We were interested in seeing how many members were registered in various cities. Without using age parameters, using a wide radius of 50 miles outside of the following cities, here  is a sample of what the numbers looked like on this particular day:

  • Ft Lauderdale : 22 females, 22 males
  • Seattle: 7 females, 7 males
  • St Paul: 6 females, 6 males
  • Cleveland: 3 females, 4 males
  • Cincinnati: 2 females, 5 male
  • Kansas City, MO: 3 females, 2 males
  • Green Bay: 1 female, 0 males
  • New Orleans: 0 females, 2 males
  • Portland, OR: 4 females, 3 males
  • Portland, ME: 0, 0
  • Nashville: 1 female, 0 males
  • New York City: 200+ (we stopped counting)
  • Chicago: 150+
  • San Fran: 20 females, 15 males
  • San Diego: 4 females, 5 males
  • Dallas: 3, 4 males
  • Philly: 22 females, 17 males
  • Boston:   31 females, 10 males

So, clearly, Chicago and metropolitan NY offer lots of choices for the momalas. In between? Not so much.

Meanwhile, our fictitious and handsome mensch of a son garnered about 4 emails in a few days from other moms who liked what we had to say about our Matthew. After a week or so, the mails dropped off. And unfortunately, we couldn’t access the emails because we were not paid subscribers. Like all the other dating sites except OKCupid and POF, which are free to communicate, TheJmom entices you by allowing paid members to contact an unpaid member, but not for the unpaid member to respond. So who knows what the winds of fate would have allowed?

Note: When we tried to unsubscribe as an unpaid member, we were only permitted to make our profile invisible, “to allow access to subscribe when you are ready”. So it appears that we are still a registered member, which might explain why the site claims they have 5000 members.


Despite the meager profile listings outside of metropolitan east coast and urban midwest areas, we love the innovative idea, the user-friendly and fun website for technically challenged mothers, and the relatively reasonable monthly cost. It’s hard to predict whether this is a site that is growing in popularity, or one which is holding steady. Consider registering on a free site, and supplementing with Jmom if you live in a fairly metropolitan, highly Jewish area.

TheDatingGurus.com GRADE: B

Dating Site Review: JDate.com

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Nu? What’s A Jew Got to Do to Get A Date Around Here?

For one thing, dahlink, you need to check out JDate, the largest and most popular dating site for Jewish singles.

Jdate, which has grown monumentally since it’s inception in 1997, was later acquired by niche-dating focused Spark Networks, and currently  boasts membership of more than 450,000 active members worldwide, with half in the United States. Like all online dating websites, Jdate merges the number of free members (who have very limited ability to actually do anything on the site) and inactive members with paid subscribers, making it impossible to determine how many truly active members there are. Regardless, JDate is indisputably large, and fills a niche for Jewish singles hoping to find their “באַשערט” beshert (one’s destiny or soul-mate) online.

You’ll Come, You’ll Look, You’ll Consider…

To catch a look at JDate’s site, you’ll need to register as a free member. Fill in a few short screens of information and you’ll find a pop-up encouraging you to become a paid subscriber, so you can communicate with members rather than just looking at profiles. As a free member, the only communication you are permitted is by sending a “flirt” icon, or a “click”, indicating you think you’d click with someone.

Start to peruse profiles and you’ll get even more prompts and encouragement to complete your profile to assist in matching you with compatible members.

The Jdate Profile

Categories are tabbed with the labels, In my own words“, “Likes and Interests”, “Kibitz” and “Compatibility”.  A personality quiz results in a color coding on your profile pic, signaling to suitors that you may possess complementary personality traits.

Like  most other dating sites, there are also “About Me” factoids to complete at will, including a mandatory indication of your level of religious observance, ranging from culturally Jewish to extremely observant. When members are not Jewish, they are asked to indicate whether or not they would consider conversion to Judaism (more on this phenomenon later).

Features available on Jdate

  • Chat function (IM) and Email
  • Live indicator of number of Jdate members online
  • Interface in Hebrew, English and French
  • Upload up to 12 photos
  • Hit the “Click” button on a members photo/profile if you think you would indeed click. They won’t know, unless they click on you as well, and you’ll both get an alert indicating mutual interest.
  • Mobile device compatibility
  • Real-life community meet-ups, such as speed dating, travel adventures, and events such as cocktail parties, theater and dining.

So? You’ll Sign Up Already?

Subscriptions, including tax, range from:

    • A single month for $39.99
    • 3 months for $33.33 per month (one payment of $99.99)
    • 6 months for $24.99 per month (one payment of $149.94)

Free Registration - JDate.com

The Gentiles Seeking Jews Phenomenon (Looking for Mr. Bernstein)

Why would a shiksa or shaygets (non-Jew) sign up on a Jewish dating website? This odd dynamic is common enough that JDate made a category in the mandatory religion drop-down menu titled, “I’d be willing to convert”.  Don’t expect the majority of subscribers to be okay with this, however. Most view the gentile members with raised eyebrows or annoyance. Mollie, 29, from Dix Hills, NY, wrote us to complain:

“If I wanted to date a gentile, I’d have stayed on Match or eHarmony. I’m looking for a Jewish husband to start a family with, and I get these guys IM’ing me telling me how much they like Jewish girls. One guy said that he grew up in a predominantly Jewish area, was friends with many Jews, and has always been attracted to Jewish girls.  He didn’t understand why I was was shocked to find non-Jews on Jdate”.

Daniel, 37, from Bellevue, WA, commented:

“I was completely taken off guard when a woman emailed me, and didn’t tell me right off the bat that she wasn’t Jewish! I noticed she had checked off the “willing to convert” box on her profile, which was the only way I knew.  When I called her on it, she acted like it was no big deal, and that she was seeking a Jewish guy because her last boyfriend was Jewish, and he had great family values and was a good provider. I’m not interested in paying all this money to Jdate only to end up dating a gentile”. 


  • Pros include a Webby Award in 2006 for outstanding social/networking site,with many features, including IM’s, video messaging, JMag (blog),  advice columnists. and community meet-ups and sponsored events.
  • Good interface and easy to use features
  • Largest membership base of Jewish niche specific dating population


  • Expense of membership
  • Free membership does not let you communicate and can be frustrating
  • Refund policy can be tricky, based on reader feedback.


Review of Dating Site for Black Singles: Soul Singles.com



We came across SoulSingles.com during our search for quality dating sites focusing on African-American singles.

SoulSingles is owned by parent company WorldSingles.com, which also runs a number of little-known niche dating sites such as HyeSingles.com (for Armenians), RomaniaKiss, SerbianLove, EthiopianPersonals, JamaicanDating, and SalaamLove, among others.

Although Soul Singles is small, by dating site standards, it manages to widen the member base by allowing singles to register from any country. In addition to Americans and Canadians, you’ll find members from Jamaica, Haiti, Nigeria, and Great Britain, many of whom are hoping to find a match outside of their country. Additionally, you’ll see a good number of white folks registered on the site, looking for a person of color, much like on Jdate, where they allow non-Jews, much to the chagrin of many members.

The sign up process as a free member on Soul Singles is pretty typical of many online dating sites. Answer questions about your demographics, interests, personality characteristics, and appearance, and personalize your profile with optional details, i.e, favorite actors, sports teams, music and food. Streamlined and painless. 

Is it Free Or “Free”?

SoulSingles, like most so-called “free” sites, are anything but free. Sure, it’s free to sign up, but don’t expect to be able to actually read or send emails, chat, search for members closer than a 150 mile radius, or specify any search criteria other than race, age, physique, family roots, or religion. SoulSingles even takes the restrictions a step further than most “free” sites, by limiting what we would consider crucial search criteria, i.e location closer than the default listing of 150 miles, educational level, politics, height, or desire for children. None of these search criteria can be accessed without becoming a Platinum member.

So what we found were a lot of random people listed, with nothing in common with our paltry search criteria. Frankly, this doesn’t inspire confidence to go ahead and fork over hard earned cash.

How Much Does it Cost?

Soul Singles isn’t the most expensive dating site to join, but it’s certainly no bargain.

What Do The Members Think? (Is There anyone Out There?)

Strangely enough, we could find very few real reviews or feedback from members about Soul Singles. Sure, the typical biased and commission-seeking review sites give it a thumbs up, but try as we might to find some individual reviews…nothing out there that didn’t reek of…phony. Even the Facebook page is devoid of real member comments, and is filled with spam, despite having close to 5000 “likes”.  In fact, we wondered if many of the “likes” were from spammers who were using FB to advertise their wares, since it didn’t seem like anyone was minding the store. Our suspicion is that parent company World Singles may have abandoned this ship for better seas.

What Are The Members Like?

Through a casual search from both a male and a female perspective, we were not particularly impressed. Many of the member listings within 150 miles of our metropolitan area had sparse profiles, were generally older (not a bad thing, but also not for everyone), not particularly attractive (YRMV) and not very interesting. We had to extend our search parameters to “any distance”, to find a decent age range or more attractive members. It’s possible that paying members (Platinum) may find more to like, but this was our experience.
Most of the members did mention a strong faith in God, so if this is important to you, then this may be a place you will feel comfortable.

Crucial Flaw

The biggest problem we ran into was that very few listed “members” were actually Platinum (paying) members, thus rendering it impossible to contact them. You can’t write to them, and they can’t answer you. Likely, these are folks like us who registered on a site they thought was free, only to discover that you couldn’t do more than scroll through photos, and dropped the membership right there. But the site doesn’t remove the “free members”, thus giving the appearance of a large member base. The Platinum members have a banner on their profiles– and they are few and far between.
We’d say, for your money, you’d do better to try one of the more mainstream dating sites like Match, eHarmony, or free site OkCupid.  Stay tuned for more reviews on African-American dating sites.

Review of OurTime.com: Dating Site for People 50 and Over


Dating For The Rest Of Us

Some of our readers asked us to take another look at OurTime.com, since our first review several years ago. We were pleasantly surprised to find a wider member base, more features and slightly lower prices.

OurTime.com brands itself as a “50+ Single’s Network.”  We’re so glad that there’s a site focusing on the fifty-and-older crowd, since so many online dating sites tend to shun anyone with a laugh line or two. Besides, people 50+ aren’t the silver haired gran’s and pop’s that many of us remember from our youth: these are people who are likely to be on the bike trails and in the gym, and have successful careers. And many of them are searching for love following divorce, or loss of a spouse. 

66 year old OurTime member

Cost of the Service

OurTime costs nothing to join. You can set up a profile and view other members’ profiles for free. But if you want to do anything beyond looking, you must become a paying member.  In other words…it’s not a free site because who wants to just look at pictures?

So, if you want to see who emailed or messaged you, want to email/message anyone yourself,or access any real features, such as favoriting, or seeing who viewed you, you’ll find yourself whooshed like magic to the payment page.

Payment Plans:

  • “Best Value Plan”, with a one-time payment of $75.43, which gets you six months at the rate of $12.57 per month.
  •  “Standard Plan” with a one-time payment of $63.00, which gets you six months at the rate of $10.50 per month.
  • “Full Price” one month minimum, for $20.97.

The difference between the first two is that the Best Value Plan offers a highlighted profile and message option (light blue/grey) and a few options, including allowing you to see who read your messages.

Billing and Payment: Beware

Although there are plenty–and we mean plenty–of online complaints by former  and current members about OurTime having scammy payment and billing practices, it doesn’t appear to be a scam, but you do need to watch their payment policies carefully. Because so many people are looking for a customer service phone number, see below*.

  1. Your subscription will be renewed automatically. The worst part of this is that you cannot turn off automatic renewal.
  2. After your subscription is renewed, you pay the whole amount, and this amount is not refundable in any part.  So, if your subscription renews for another 6 months, you pay in full.  No exceptions. 
  3. Token packages (explained below) have the same auto-renewing issue after a 180 day period. The tokens will automatically renew unless you terminate it before the renewal date or don’t use all the tokens you purchase.

Free Registration - BBWPersonalsPlus.com

What We Like

Easy to Use: Few Bells and Whistles

Some online dating sites, Blendr for example, are so much into the fun & goofy process of online dating that it gets frustrating.  You start to wonder why you can’t just do something as simple as view profiles and contact someone.  OurTime.com lets you do that with a minimum of clicking and bells & whistles. The interface is decent, and there is an option to post up to 30 photos– but don’t do it–lest you look like a narcissistic nut job.

Tokens: One feature that some people use to promote themselves is to purchase  a’ la carte tokens which boost popularity by highlighting or featuring the member.  Each “session” that you wish to promote your visibility will cost you 20 tokens, which range from $.99 for 25 tokens to $10.00 for 280 tokens. Be mindful that tokens will be auto-renewed unless cancelled properly, so read the fine print and terms carefully.

Profiles of Real People

Unlike other dating sites, OurTime seems to have pictures and profiles of real people.

What We Don’t Like

Babes in the Woods?

OurTime is advertised as a “50+ Singles Network,”  so why were we able to specify an age range that goes down as low as 25?

In practice, the majority of members are in the 50+ range, but there were a fair amount of younger men and women, in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. Female members have complained that even on a dating site geared towards 50+, they once again find themselves competing with younger women, since many men tend to gravitate towards the youngest in any age category. We think that a dating site which advertisers its focus as 50+ should make age 50 the youngest parameter.

Another complaint from both men and women were the come-ons they received from some of the younger members who were clearly looking for either a quickie or a sugar daddy/sugar momma. We discovered a 26 year old male with the following statement on his profile, “No strings attached, no problem. Married? No problem”. These kind of things are rampant on the free sites, but not expected on a site like OurTime.

Too Many Pics..but not of themselves!

We found way, way too many pictures of beaches and sunsets, or members buried in a crowd. In one case, we had to flip through 12 pictures of grandchildren and other family members before finding the member by herself!

Auto-Renewing Subscriptions 

See above.

No Customer Service phone number listed on the site

Only listing a “Contact Us” web form on the “Contacting Customer Care” page does not inspire confidence in its members or potential members.

We googled and found a couple of customer service phone numbers for the parent company, People Media.

*(888) 892-2065 or (866) 727-8920  


Summary:  Grade C+

Being people d’un certain age, we like Ourtime.com.  We didn’t find the payment plans draconian; monthly prices are fair.  But we couldn’t help but notice all the incomplete (non paying members) profiles, which boost the appearance of a huge member base. We’d suggest trying out a membership while also subscribing to a truly free dating site such as OkCupid.

Don’t forget to set your calendar reminders to consider cancelling your auto-renewing membership PRIOR to the deadline, lest you be charged the entire amount.

Also, check out sites like Catholic Match, eHarmonyMatch.com or FarmersOnly, which are a little calmer and less racy than some of the others.

Need some examples of well written or re-written profiles? Check these out. 


Dating Profile Re-write OKCUPID Female: Don’t Be A Negative Nancy!


Lead with the Positive

Marnie, a youthful looking 51 year old nurse, who in person was actually quite full of spunky personality and compassion, was baffled about why she wasn’t getting good results from her online dating profile, and about why the men she met online were not the kind of guys she had been hoping to meet.

After looking at her dating profile and photos, it was clear that Marnie, who had been working as an RN supervisor for many years, had what we call an Eeyore Profile.

Remember Eeyore?  The pessimistic, martyred, but lovable donkey from Winnie the Pooh? That was Marnie. 

Marnie had made the classic mistake of leading with the negative, instead of showcasing what she could bring to the table. Her initial profile complained about being tired of online dating, being alone, meeting strange and dishonest men, and admitting to feeling burnt-out in her career. In other words, her profile sounded defeated, tired, and kind of hopeless. Very different than the person who sat across from us.

TIP:  Don’t use your dating profile as a soapbox to complain about the opposite sex, or the weirdos on dating sites. Potential partners are reviewing your profile to see who you are and what you bring to the table.


The Profile Re-Do

We tweaked Marnie’s OkCupid profile, painting a picture which highlighted her sense of humor, great ethics, and some of her interests. You’ll notice that negativity has no place in a dating profile. We added colorful words and description to replace some blase terms.

Here is what Marnie’s new reworked OkCupid profile looked like, using their format:

What I’m doing with my Life:

In between spelunking, swimming with the dolphins, and translating ancient scrolls in my spare time, I’ve been logging a lot of hours in my beloved profession lately with the goal of actually retiring someday while still being able to afford both protein and shoes!  If you’re looking for me, you might also find me in a funky second-hand bookstore, or walking around town discovering hidden treasures.

I’m looking for a fantastic guy to share some of life’s adventures, and I am quite happy to work less when tempted properly.

My Self Summary:

I’m a born and bred native Seattle girl, who lived in Arizona long enough to realize I missed the changing seasons and the Pacific Northwest.

I find great satisfaction from the most ordinary things:  a first cup of steaming coffee on the deck in the quiet early morning…good manners on the freeway…a brisk walk with the dog… and having great conversations in any setting. I’m easy going and try to remember to have a positive outlook whenever possible. And it’s almost always possible. 

I feel fortunate every day…and nicely seasoned by life’s experiences. I don’t have wrinkles, though: I have laugh crinkles. 

I’m Really Good At:

Finding humor in situations…Hanging in there when the going gets rough. 

The First Things People Usually Notice About Me

I’ve been told that I have the perfect kind of curly hair.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Recently read books include Lonesome Dove and Water for Elephants. Any film Steve Martin is in.  As much as I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve never made it inside of Benaroyal Hall for live theater, but would love a partner in crime to check it out with. 

My next food adventure? Portland Food Trucks!

The six things I could never do without

Strong, steamy java in the a.m., a beautiful view, jazz, seasons. my favorite pillow, anything with lemon. The smell of leather.

I  spend a lot of time thinking about

  1. If life had a soundtrack, what song would be playing right now?
  2. If I’ve done my best today
  3. What the rest of life’s adventures will bring
  4. How long do I have to wait to have Dim Sum again?

On a typical Friday night I am

Catching up with friends or family, debriefing from the week–adult beverages often help…extra lemon please!

The Most Private Thing I’m Willing To Admit: 

This is too deeply repressed to access at this time..

You should message me if

You are tired of talking to your pets. While it’s true that their love is unconditional, they may not be telling you the whole truth.

Check out more dating profile re-writes for women and men, and our piece on Best Dating Headlines. 


Coffee Meets Bagel: TinderLite?


Coffee Meets…Wha?

Yes, the name is strange..and decidedly non-sexy, but hey, if we can get used to dorky dating site names like “OKcupid” or “Zoosk”, Coffee Meets Bagel will soon be rolling off our tongues. Well, at least if the Kang sisters have their way. 

In 2012, sisters Arum, Daroon, and Soo found themselves singing the same sad song as so many other attractive, highly successful, and highly educated singles in a city setting– Why are we having so much trouble meeting other decent people like us?

cmb founders

(Apparently they aren’t alone– check out hi-falutin’ Sparkology  and their elite-driven dating mission)

In response, the trio collaborated to create a free dating app, recently released on both iOS and Android platforms, borrowing the same principle as Tinder, with a different goal. Instead of endless and addictive swiping, CMB offers only one match per day, at noon. Yes, you read that right: one match (called a Bagel) per day, delivered during your lunch break.

Interested in the person? Swipe Like. Not so much? Pass, and wait until the following day for your next Bagel. 

Only for the Facebook Friendly

Coffee Meets Bagel, like most dating apps these days, utilizes your Facebook account with the double goal of identity confirmation and increasing compatibility by detecting possible mutual connections.

Problem:  unless you live in a metropolitan area with many local Facebook friends, you may not find matches from your immediate geographical area. Members complain that they are often connected with Bagels several hours or even states away. If there aren’t enough members in your area, you may not be offered a match at all.

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

After receiving your Bagel, you must respond within 24 hours before it poofs away, possibly never to appear as an offering again. If there is a mutual Like, CMB connects you via a text message from an internal dedicated text platform so members don’t need to reveal their digits, and even offers a new featured private phone line for added security.

A Bakers Dozen?

If, despite your best attempts to be patient and stick to one Bagel offering per day, you find you need more variety on the menu or you live in a sparsely populated area, don’t fret: Coffee Beans are earn-able or purchasable currency which can be used at the Bean Shop for the following menu items:

  • “Open Sesame” unlocks the identity of mutual friends
  • “Rematch” Missed a bagel? You can use this as a second chance to match with someone. 
  • “Mirror Mirror”  tells you your score and rank on the site.
  • “Give” is free… Pass your bagel to a friend who you think may like it more than you.  
  • “Passing” a bagel gives you 1 Bean. 
  •  Adding suggestions for someone’s profile gives you an extra Bean.

Criticism: some have criticized the option to purchase more beans and Bagels, which then “buys” opportunity to contact the best looking folks on the site, thus allowing the one thing the site was designed to avoid. 

Notoriety: Coffee Meets Bagel received notoriety when they were featured on Shark Tank  in January 2015. Despite being turned down for being cagey about revealing the exact number of their multi-million members, CMB has grown exponentially since its inception in 2012, is now operable in all cities, and as of 3/10/15, in Hong Kong.

What We Like: 

  • Limits of 1 potential match per day force you to really take a look at what’s in front of you, rather than automatically dismissing and moving on to search for the next better thing
  • If you’re willing to focus on one person a day, this app is perfect for singles who are sick and tired of the instant gratification and mind-numbing swiping of Tinder, or the overwhelmingly time consuming navigation needed on sites like Match or eHarmony.
  • Perhaps you just want to take a low key break from the game of dating, but aren’t quite ready to disconnect entirely? Coffee Meets Bagel offers the equivalent of the “slow food” movement– focus entirely on the plate in front of you, without the distractions of IM pinging, multiple players emailing you, or waiting for the next best thing.
  • Limits the amount of spamming women receive

What We Don’t Like: 

  • Having to use Facebook. We’re kind of over this, and find it very limiting.
  • Ability to “buy up” opportunities to obtain more than 1 daily match per day, or to approach a particular person.
  • Poor feedback about customer service response.

The Dating Gurus Grade: B

If You Want a Real Man, Don’t Be a “Girl”

lena dunham

Where are all of the real men?

It’s a common enough complaint that we hear from many dating women:  They just cannot seem to find a real man.

The men–or guys or boys or whatever they want to be called–they meet are too wrapped up in bromancing each other to be interested in girl-mancing.  It’s all about them and “the boys,” out clubbing or at the pub or at sports events.  They don’t commit.  They still live in filthy shared apartments with 3 other guys.  They’re too obsessed with cars, Star Wars collectibles, TV, video games, beer, and playing the field to want to become a real man.

Where are all of those settled, solid men who want commitment, love, and even a family some day?

On women’s dating profiles, we continually see 50 year-old women claiming to be girls.  What gives?

P.J. O’Rourke was hired by The Daily Beast to write about the patron saint of all girl-women, Lena Dunham.  He expresses surprise that a person who has legally been an adult for the last decade should call herself a girl:

Ms. Dunham is 28. I was under the impression that “girls” is a demeaning term for adult women. The title must have something to do with this hipster “Irony” thing, which I confess I don’t understand. The root of the word irony is in the Greekeironeia, “liar.”

The one takeaway:  In your dating profile, change every instance of “girl” to “woman.”  It’s a small change.  Nothing will happen right away.  The skies will not open up.

But it’s a bit like the man-child Steve Carell character in The 40 Year Old Virgin who, towards the end of the movie, makes one tiny change–boxing up his action figures–as a signifier of his life-change into manhood.



This Is What You Do When Your Spouse Is Unfaithful To You In The Worst Possible Way

Unless you are in an open marriage, are poly, or have a harem, you probably have a one-on-one relationship with your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, partner, or whatever you call each other.  You make a promise of being faithful to each other.  You say that you will share the same bed, sexually, and allow no others in it.

Then the other person goes off and does something monumentally stupid, bad, and evil, and in the worst possible way.  He or she has sex not just with another person, but does a few other things to twist the knife a little bit harder into your chest.

Rather than fictionalize this matter, let’s discuss the real-life example of Mr. Adam Ronk, of Michigan.  The intent here is not to mock Mr. Ronk; in fact, we have the deepest sympathy for his plight and we offer our sagest advice.

Step 1:  You’re a Good Guy With Options

Adam Ronk


You’re a solid Joe, handsome-ish.  You’re young enough that you still have some of that college goofiness left in you.  Good catch all-round.

Step 2:  Meet Woman Who Is Reasonably Attractive

katy tanury

In the right light, in the right pose, she’s pretty.  A bit of a bulby nose, but hey–who’s perfect?  Besides, there’s the matter of her light-brown skin, a rarity in this part of Michigan.  And that maiden name:  Kathryn Tanury.  Nice name.

Step 3:  You Get Together

Saucy Katy Ronk


She’s a fun lovin’ girl, but we would only call her saucy, in that fun way, not slutty.  After all, she teaches Spanish at Bishop Foley High School, Madison Heights, Michigan.  Teachers are virtuous types, relatively so.  Right?

Step 4:  So You Get Married!

Wedding Invite

And then it’s wedding bells.  Big day.  Whole life ahead of you two.  Until…

Step 5:  Bitch Goes Off and Has Sex With Her 15 Year-Old Student

Ronk and Friend

In the classroom.  In the car.  At his home.  Repeatedly.

Step 6:  Judge Sentences Her To Actual Prison Time

Ronk In Stripes

In sentencing Ronk, Oakland County Judge Nanci Grant makes the surprising move of stating that:

If this was a male teacher who had been involved with a 15-year-old female, there would be people here hanging from the ceiling trying to get every drop of blood.  But because it is a woman, there seems to be a winking about what happened.

Sentenced to the maximum time of 5 1/2 years.


Step 7:  You Move On

Adam, you do not “support” her.  You do not try to understand her “condition” and her “suffering.”  Even Judge Grant noted that this was the first time in her career she had received letters of support from a defendant’s friends and family that did not mention the victim–not once.

Even though you have been cuckolded–and not just plain-cuckolded but cuckolded in a public fashion, involving judges, lawyers, and jail–you divorce her as soon as your attorney can draw up the papers.

Then you hold your head high, clear your mind, and force yourself to put all of this past you.  The first few years will be hard.  But eventually, you will find someone right for you, and years later, this incident will recede in importance and become something to shake your head in disbelief at.


Skinny Gets You More Guys. Even the Skinny-To-Fat Lady Admits This. But Happy? That’s Another Story.

joni edelman before and after

Writing in Ravishly, Joni Edelman tells about how she got the religion, weight-wise.  On the left is Joni five years ago, age 35, at 123 pounds.  On the right is Joni more recently, after five children (she doesn’t say how many children she’d had prior to the first photo).

Joni admits that being skinny means you get more male attention:

Being a size 4 made strangers’ heads turn. Repeatedly. It made men in the grocery store hit on me and doctors at the hospital propose torrid affairs.

“Happy” was a different matter.  As a highly motivated achiever, she

attained [that weight] by eating a “plentiful” 1,000 calories a day; by running 35 miles a week (10 on Sunday); by sleeping an average of three hours a day; by counting every bit of food I ate, down to a single cherry tomato

Now that she is in a steady marriage with a man who will love her and be attracted to her, no matter how fat she gets, Joni says that there is “a stillness, and a joy, and a peace,” that she has never had before.

Lest you think this is a call to bring on the pizza and milkshakes, keep in mind that Joni is the obsessive type and is, in fact, bi-polar.  She admits that she was “obsessed” with weight-loss and that her mainstay was rice cakes with spray-on butter.

So maybe the answer isn’t larding out over milkshakes or Oreos or more Oreos or stopping wearing makeup (See:  30 Signs Your Relationship Is So Comfortable…).  Nor is it obsessing over the “definition of my bicep,” as Joni says, or the caloric content of a single cherry tomato.  But it’s some kind of sane balance of the two?



30 Signs Your Relationship Is So Comfortable You’re In Danger of Breaking Up

couples dress alike

We date so that we can form relationships.  Except for those outliers who date for hook-ups or because they are masochists who really like stringing together lots of short affairs, a long-term relationship is the point of all of these efforts.

The discomfort you have on a first date is not something you want to perpetuate for the rest of your life.  Humans seek comfort.  Comfort is good.  But when does too much comfort become a relationship-eroding thing?


  1. You go unshaven more and more–yet you’re not growing a beard.
  2. You wear your white brief-style underwear.  You know, the kind that your Mother dressed you in when you were 5 years old.
  3. You cry in front of her–not for big things like a loved one dying, but for minor things like a co-worker was nasty to you.
  4. You ask her to tend to your personal hygiene, like squeezing pimples or shaving your back hair.
  5. You let her–or ask her to–regularly shop for your clothes and toiletries.


  1. You begin wearing less and less makeup.
  2. You stop shaving underarms and legs.
  3. You ask him to pluck stray hairs or check your teeth for kale.
  4. You wear non awe-inspiring panties when you know he’ll be looking at them.
  5. Your conversation with him is indistinguishable from that of your conversations with girlfriends.

Either Partner

  1. You don’t close the bathroom door when doing non toilet-related activities.
  2. You don’t close the bathroom door when peeing…or pooping.
  3. You sit at a restaurant or coffee shop, or bar, scrolling through your social media..while with your partner!
  4. You wear your ugly, comfortable lounge-around-the-house wear.
  5. You feel comfortable enough to fart in each others’ vicinity.
  6. You wear matching clothing–intentional or not.
  7. You go on and on about your health.
  8. You regularly usurp your time with your partner to take calls from friends or family.
  9. You put down your partner…but hey, I’m just doing it jokingly!
  10. You let yourself be put down.
  11. You lounge around naked or near-naked…and not in a sexy way.
  12. You think your breath might be bad, but you don’t really care.
  13. You don’t care about your partner’s opinion when you put on swimwear.
  14. You shower together while discussing the news
  15. You “Mother” or “Father” each other too much–pull up your pants, tie your shoes, did you pack your lunch?
  16. You answer each others’ phones–or put your calls on speaker while your partner is in the room.
  17. You consistently expect the other person wash your clothes.
  18. You finish each other’s sentences
  19. You have pet names for each other–names so dumb that you’d be embarrassed if anyone else heard them.
  20. You mention ex-partners when you’re in a social situation with your current partner.

Remember: some mystery and distance is good. Becoming enmeshed is a sure fire way dampen the fires.  Check out Esther Perel’s TedTalk on the secret to desire in long term relationships.

Dating Site Review: Farmers Only? Not Necessarily So!

farm couple

 It’s A Country Thang~ You Just Wouldn’t Understand

Laugh if you will, all you “Cities are The Center of the Universe” dwellers, but this niche site is actually a thriving, successful online dating service for men and women who prefer to refer themselves as Guys and Gals. You can throw away your preconceived notions about doofy hicks, or (sadly) the Marlboro Man…these are real honest-to-goodness Americans and Canadians who simply prefer to date other country dwellers for a variety of reasons. We found that members tend to be more focused on traditional values than in finding a hottie.

How It All Began

Jerry Miller, an agricultural marketer based in Ohio started the site in 2005 as a way to connect people living in isolated areas. “When I started, it was a passion because I knew there was a need. When you talk to hundreds of people that are lonely in rural areas, it moves you,” Miller said”.  FarmersOnly caters not just to farmers, but also to ranchers, and those involved in an agrarian lifestyle..and not surprisingly, small town and rural dwellers who just prefer a slower and more traditional lifestyle.

FarmersOnly, which now claims over 2 million members from the US and Canada credits its rapid growth to down-to-earth people who are looking to find like-minded matches.

Hold the Hee-Haw Jokes

Members range from rural-loving city dwellers to real-life cowboys, ranch hands, and farmers. It surprised us, actually, how many non-rural members were registered with the site. Take for example, this profile narrative from a 30 year old female in Seattle:

“I may live in the city but I’m a country girl at heart! I was raised in Idaho where I trained Western horses for pleasure. I still have horses in south Everett, Wa. I’m looking for a nice country boy to call my own. I’m a great cook, love to hunt and fish, and yes I even hunt with a bow”..

Generally speaking, this niche site tends to attract singles within a broader age range than almost any other site we’ve reviewed. Most sites are heavy on the 20-35 year olds, and start to dwindle as you climb the 40 year old ladder.  FarmersOnly has no such issue; the 50+ crowd are as well represented as the young bucks. And, like real life, members run the gamut from buff and svelte to plump and pudgy. In other words, Walmart and Dayton’s shoppers are equally represented here.

If your daily vocabulary includes the words “folks, pick up truck and hard work,” and you’d rather go winter camping or fly-fishing than jetting to Palm Springs, this might be just the spot for you.

How It Works

Free Member’s Features

Like all the other paid sites we’ve reviewed, such as Match.com or  eHarmony, Farmers encourages potential subscribers to:

  • create a profile, look around,  search for and read profiles.
  • upload photos from your hard drive or Facebook to unlock access to the paid member’s photo collections. (Cleverly, by posting a photo, guest members will receive flirts sent via email which can be read by upgrading to paid status).
  •  see who “Likes” you
  •  click the Thumbs Up or Down on those who “Like” you, thus triggering a notice to their email that they, too, have an admirer.

farmers frog

^^Psst…If you post a profile pic like this we will personally come and stick you with a pitchfork.  Men: About Those Dating Profile Pictures!  

Paid Member Features

  • full access to communicate freely
  • post unlimited photos
  • private Farm Phone Service (for an extra $5.00 monthly) which privatizes your personal phone, while allowing you to text directly to other members, or to receive emails as text messages.
  • view member’s last visit date to site (see who is active)

The Cost


For less than $15.00 per month, members can subscribe for 3 months, or pay $12 monthly for a 6 month commitment. Or,  try it for a month for $23.95. Compared to other paid dating sites, we’d consider this downright awesome.


FarmersOnly is a great niche site for anyone who prefers rural living and agrarian or farming lifestyles. Its fun and technically savvy interface offer a modern online dating experience, while still appealing to folks who shun the typical sleazy or hipster dating sites.  Members here tend to have an interest in connecting with other more traditionally minded folks who aren’t afraid of commitment. Our only criticism is that the reported 2 million member number seems a bit high, since many, like us, registered to look around, and never became active.



Being Pretty, Popular, and Smart Is The Key To Success In Dating and In Life?

This one is for everyone struggling in the dating pool who thinks:  If only I were prettier or more handsome, or if I were more popular or smarter…if only that, I’d get that guy or I’d get that girl.

Surefire success.

This 19 year-old woman, Madison, clearly has it all.

She’s a naturally pretty girl:

Madison 1

She’s fun and vivacious:

Madison 2

She is strongly grounded, with a solid attachment to family:

Madison 3

Yet on January 17, 2014, this woman, Madison Holleran, a University of Pennsylvania freshman, jumped from a parking garage in downtown Philadelphia, near Rittenhouse Square.

Citing depression, Madison left behind a suicide note and gifts for her family:  ginger snap cookies for her grandparents, Godiva chocolate truffles for her father, necklaces for her mother, and a book, The Happiness Project, for a friend.

While we continually preach self-improvement on this site–get skinny if you’re fat, bulk up if you’re skinny, fix your hair, get makeup advice, buy better clothes–the fact remains that even a person who apparently has it all does not have it all.

So if any dating, love, relationship, and life lesson can be learned from this, it’s that sadness crosses all boundaries.  The other lesson is that nothing will do it all for you.  There is no silver bullet.  No magic invocation.  No miracle celeb diet.  No innate beauty and charm, even.

It’s up to you to make it–whatever it is–happen for you.  It’s work.  It’s all work.

American Foundation For Suicide Prevention / Madison Holleran Fund

How To Become The “Perfect” Girlfriend (The Female Perspective That May Surprise You)

©Gil Elvgren

Just Kidding!

For the sake of argument, we ladies will try to suspend our disbelief that men can get past their fantasy of the raven-haired beauty dolled up in the sexy apron and garters, whipping them up a home-baked treat, or better yet…arriving at Boy’s Poker Night on a Ducati, donning a sexy leather bra-lette and short-shorts to deliver beer and nachos. 

To understand what men are realistically seeking in their version of the Perfect Girlfriend, lets reel things back a little, and first review the most typical complaints that men have about women:

  1. Too irrational
  2. Prone to emotional freak-outs
  3. Overly critical
  4. Unable to relax
  5. Always trying to change them
  6. …and the seldom heard (!) complaint about us withholding sex as a weapon or to be manipulative.

So, is there any truth to these generalities? Yup, kernels of truth.

Maybe not necessarily with the subjective qualifiers like ‘too’, ‘overly’, and ‘always’, but there are, in fact, real differences between the male/female brain, as well as the socialization process that reinforce these characteristics.

 Why Can’t a Woman…Be More Like A Man?


In other words, those hairy beasts seem to be saying they want us to be more like their perception of themselves, only prettier.

However, the male counterpart of The Dating Gurus asserts in Swallow the Purple Pill: What Are Men REALLY Looking For?(4 Answers Women Will Hate) that men in fact value and admire the differences between women and men–but what they’re dying to find is a cool-headed, strong woman who expresses her emotions, and isn’t ruled by them. And then there’s the sex appeal stuff and physicality, but we’ll get to that.

So Let’s Get To the Good Stuff:  7 ways to Become…The Killer Girlfriend

From  the female Dating Guru’s perspective, here’s some down-to-earth advice about how to become the kind of girlfriend that guys would kill for:

1. Get A Life (Yours!)

Think about it: Is there anything less attractive than a woman sitting around waiting for a guy to call , or for life to happen? Even if you live together, your boyfriend was initially attracted to you because you had passions and interests of your own.  Create a space where you pursue separate interests or activities. This is crucial to maintaining your own identity, thus remaining attractive and desirable by virtue of not being becoming an appendage to someone else’s life.

2. Let Him Breathe

This is a Very Big Deal. One of the main reasons men are hesitant to commit to being in a relationship is the fear that they’ll get swallowed up by you, and pressured to curtail their own activities or interests. Show him that you value him as a man, and honor his need to do guy things. No passive-aggressive comments, no snotty behavior. In fact, go a step further and encourage him to meet up with his friends, or get him tickets or make reservations for something for him and his friends that doesn’t involve you.

3. Have His Back

I don’t know about you, but one thing that irks me to no end is to hear women bitching to their friends or family about their boyfriend (or husband) on a regular basis. You should be the one person who he can count on to as his #1 fan, supporter, and defender. Obviously, this doesn’t mean putting up with unacceptable behavior,but it does mean that when the ladies start having a rag session, you don’t feed the frenzy.

4. No talking badly about his friends or family.

You don’t have to like all of them, but you do have to be respectful. After all, aren’t some of your own friends and family pretty damn challenging?

5. Look Feminine (in your own way)

Obviously, we can’t all agree to what Feminine looks like, or what feels comfortable to you…but it’s fair to say men prefer women who look like…women. This will vary culturally, of course,  but I have yet to meet a man that doesn’t prefer:

  • longer hair (even on mature women)
  • clothes that hug your curves (i.e. even workout or hangout gear like yoga pants vs baggy sweats) and reveal a bit of skin. 
  • footwear with a heel (if you can’t tolerate heels, try platforms). News Flash: Ballet flats are not feminine–they’re frumpy. Wear flip-flops, sandals, or boots instead of flats
  • skirts and dresses (even totally casual)
  • cosmetics that brings out your eyes, and a bit of color on your face. This should be a no-brainer, but heavy makeup turns most men off. If you like a dramatic look, pick one feature to play up. 

6.  In The Bedroom (and out)

Some men like to dominate, some prefer to have you dominate, but all men love sex. Hell, we all love sex, don’t we? It’s no secret that guys are always complaining that they don’t get enough after the initial romance, so be the exception to the rule. 

Oh, so you want some boudoir wisdom from the Lady Guru? Here’s a basic truth, and if you don’t take any other advice about the bedroom, take this piece:

Your boyfriend  wants to please you, because turning you on is what turns him on. So it’s to everyone’s benefit not to clam up about what you really want, and how you want it. Please yourself, and you can be damn sure he’ll get off on it. Winning. 

        • Make some some noise. A quiet little mouse is not very exciting. If he’s doing something right, let him know.
        • Let him watch. SHOW this visual creature what turns you on. Please yourself, and tell him he can’t touch. Wanting is almost as good as doing.
        •  You know you wanna. Tell him to tie you up. Or tie him up.
        • Hang out in flannel before bed if you must…but have something silk or satiny on you when you enter the bedroom, even if you’re purely just sleeping in it.
        • If you’re self-conscious about your less-than-perfect body, and this is causing you to avoid having sex, get a red bulb for your table lamp, or light candles. Get a vintage garter and stockings, which, besides looking awesome, can help you feel less exposed. It’s all about being comfortable in your own skin so you can get out of your own head and connect.
        • We needn’t go into details ( need we?) but you need to offer this man some good slow pleasure in the way he likely craves it most. You might want to check out The Bad Girls Bible for some tips.
        • Don’t have sex as a reward or withhold sex as a response to something you didn’t like. Passive-aggressive behavior like this has no place in the bedroom.

7.  Embrace Your Emotions

Being intuitive, feeling your emotions, and communicating is good.  Just make sure that you don’t become ruled by these traits. 

When faced with a tough situation, remember that you are being given an opportunity on a real-life stage to show what you’re made of. Don’t blow it by turning into a whiner or a shrieking shrew. Perfect Girlfriend Material means: 

                • keeping things in perspective 
                • harnessing your dignity.  Tell him what you didn’t like…without freaking out.
                • get clear with your bottom line and your boundaries, and if something isn’t cool, state your truth. 
                • let your man know it’s safe to reveal his less than perfect side, or that its ok to make mistakes.

No Such Thing

You’ll notice I haven’t said a word about being thin or gorgeous.  I’m sure you’ve all seen the woman who walks into the coffee shop radiating something…not perfect, but interesting and fully embracing herself. She knows who she is and makes the best of what she’s been given. This is a woman who is open to possibilities.

6 Things a $900/Hour Escort Can Tell You About Dating and Love

© Paramount
© Paramount

If you’ve been around the block a few times, you’ll know that it is unwise to take advice on love and dating from a 24 year-old.  Unless that 24 year-old has experienced a few things outside of the norm.

A recent Medium article from high-priced escort Svetlana Z (could it be any other name?) falls into a literary sub-category you may already know:  it depressingly strips away artifice from the dance of love and attraction and says, in a rather self-congratulatory way, “I know the inner workings of this thing, and it’s ugly and you’re all just stupid sheep for believing otherwise.”  And, as everyone’s favorite escort, Holly Golightly, would say, “Men are rats.”


1. It’s Always a Business Arrangement

His wife won’t let him have his late-night bowls of mint chocolate chip ice cream anymore and she nags him about the Sunday afternoons he spends watching golf on television. I frown.

Svetlana’s core message is that sex is a negotiation, a business arrangement.  Love, friendship, dating, companionship–all of that works the same way.  I get something from you, you get something from me.  We are both satisfied by the arrangement.

There is no such thing as unconditional love; it’s all conditional.

Svetlana listens to complaints about mint chocolate-chip ice cream because she is paid to do so, the condition being the $900 sitting in an envelope on the nightstand.

Give and take.  What are you bringing into this arrangement?

2. Spend Money On This Venture To See Returns

I paid professional photographers $1,500 to shoot my pictures. I considered those investments in myself.  I spent $50 a day on Eros so I could be listed in the “What’s New” section… The girls who would only spend the basic $400 a month, they’d only get one email in two weeks. They’d be sitting at home, sucking their fingers.

A typical thought-process for, let’s say a guy, is this:

I want to spend as little as possible on this dating thing, preferably $0.00.  So, let’s start with all of the free dating sites.  I’ll take selfies in the bathroom mirror  I’ll wear my old sweatshirt.  I’ll get my hair cut at Supercuts.

It is deceptive, a total red-herring, for a guy to believe that spending big money on a date will make the woman attracted to him.  Instead, the money is better spent on improving oneself  (next section) and on this business venture called online dating.

Here’s one example.  Why do lots of people fork over hard, cold cash for Match.com?  For the money spent, Match.com is a better organized and moderated environment than is a free site like Plenty of Fish.  If Match.com is like the relatively orderly singles bar on main street, Plenty of Fish is the skanky beer joint that gets raided by the police once a month.  Spending money often brings better rewards.

3. Take Top Care Of Yourself

I’m a vegetarian and I have a personal trainer. I got manicures and pedicures at least twice a week, always red, and always showed up in expensive lingerie and thigh-high stockings.  Every time I met a client it was a performance, so I prepared.

How much more can we stress this?  If you’re fat-skinny, eat right and work out.  If you’re obese, lose weight.  If you have nasty toenails that would make Shrek gasp in horror, get a pedi.  If you have awful breath, seek remedies.

“Svetlana” is a reasonably attractive woman who could have done nothing and still attracted clients.  Yet she went the extra step and was able to attract a better class of men, at least financially speaking.  If you go the extra step, you too will attract a better class of men or women.

4.  Your Online Dating Profile Is an Ad For Yourself, So Make It a Good One

I paid someone to write my ad copy.

Brilliant move.  Svetlana, not being a native English speaker, knew that to appeal to her customer base of North American men, she had to have a good message.  In the same sense, you do not innately know how to write an effective dating site profile; this is an acquired skill.

Svetlana crafted her profile on the “escort dating” sites with utter precision.  Her profile is a close corollary to your own online dating site profile on OK Cupid, eHarmony, or Plenty of Fish.

5. Project an Image of Fun, Carelessness, Exoticism

Clients knew me as Angelina or Anna. Angelina was “sweet, intelligent, fun and playful… a devoted pleasure seeker who takes enjoying life very seriously indeed.”  Anna was more shy, a “European companion who adores luxury travel… often passionate, sometimes hilarious but rarely forgettable.”

This is the secret sauce that most people writing dating profiles forget.  Sure, some men are looking for a sturdy but dull hausfrau to cook and clean.  And some women are looking for that boring, dependable provider.

But most people are looking for romance.  And romance means playfulness, humor, fun, impulsiveness, new experiences, and sensual pleasures (“sensual” as in, things that delight the senses–food, music, visual delights, etc.).

6.  Work Compensates For Areas Where You’re Lacking

But there are lots of young, pretty girls in my business. What got me to the top — and what kept me there — was my work ethic and attention to detail.

In the Medium article, there are plenty of pictures of “Svetlana.”  And while she is attractive, she is no stunner.  By working extra-hard at this venture, she was able to push above the hordes of other women who desired the same goal.

Unless the gene pool favored you with amazing looks or you’re dripping with money, you exist on a relatively level playing field with everyone else.  Extra effort is what will propel you past the ranks of the unnoticed “others” cluttering the dating field.